Aching Memories

13th June 2017

 

We are in Liverpool. Seeing Darragh’s casket was a very emotional moment. I’m so glad our boy is with us now. We got a call from Dublin about our genetic test results and everything is fine. We can stop blaming ourselves for what happened. This was a sign sent from Darragh. He’s watching over us.

 

14th June 2017

 

Last night I had a good sleep for the first time after the 5th of April when we found out that Darragh had severe abnormalities. It’s been a long journey for us since then. I feel that we managed to go through the worst and toughest part. I have the comfort of having Darragh’s ashes here at home for a while. Today I thought a lot of when I was pregnant. Missing Darragh’s bump and feeling his movements.

 

16th June 2017

 

I had a little cry in the afternoon. The feeling of guilt doesn’t leave me alone.

 

19th of June 2017

 

Today was a very important day for me as I went back to work after what happened with Darragh. It went well. Thank God none of the parents asked what happened, not yet.

 

22nd June 2017

 

Today for the first time since I’m back in work I had to explain what happened to Darragh to one of the parents. It was hard and I felt terrible.

 

24th June 2017

 

Today was a good and positive day. Anthony and I spent the day together. We really needed that time for ourselves. We bought two nice picture frames to display Darragh’s photos. Remembering Darragh this way makes me feel better and gives me strength.

 

11th July 2017

 

Getting closer to Darragh’s due date is like I am losing him for the second time.

 

12th July 2017

 

Parents in work are very lucky to see their children growing up. I will never get to see Darragh excited to see me and his daddy after a long day.

 

22th of July 2017

 

Today we received Darragh’s pictures. We’ve been waiting for them for so long. I think it was a piece missing from the healing journey. I cried so much while I was watching them but at the same time I really love them. I will treasure them forever.

 

16th August 2017

 

 Today was Darragh’s due date. We went to release a balloon for him. It was emotional but it’s another piece to add to the puzzle, next step will be putting Darragh to rest.

 

26th August 2017

 

Today I saw my mum and dad for the first time since we lost Darragh. It was great to see them. We gave them the cards we made to remember him and also a framed picture.

 

 

 

What you just read are some of my thoughts which I took from two notebooks my husband and I used to write daily. After losing our son we got help through counselling and we were suggested to write down our feelings to go back and read them again once we were in a better place. I will talk about counselling in another post as I believe it was crucial for us to face our new life after the loss. I often read these thoughts when I feel down, to value myself for the things I was able to achieve during the past 3 and a half years. Just a few people that will read this post know how we lost our son. I first want to say sorry if I hurt the feelings of anyone in any way, it was not my intention. This week I was thinking about what to publish next, trying to put thoughts and feelings together. I knew that at some stage I had to talk about my experience but I was trying to distance myself for a little bit longer. My husband then told me that I can’t avoid it for much longer as it is the reason that led to my anxiety and constant worry. I know that talking about it will make me feel better.

On the 5th of April 2017, during the anatomy scan, we found out that our baby boy had severe abnormalities that were affecting different organs. We were told he wouldn’t survive outside the womb. I was performed an amniocentesis on the same day and a week later we were informed that our baby had Trisomy 13. I knew in my heart what had to be done. I was about to take the most heartbreaking decision of my entire life, terminate the pregnancy. Darragh was born sleeping on the 3rd of May 2017.

1 Comment

  1. Giusj Miceli says:

    Ileana cara, mi si spezza il cuore leggendo del vostro Piccolo Darragh.
    Scrivere dei propri sentimenti su una situazione così delicata e personale richiede coraggio. E tu ne hai da vendere.

    Like

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