Fears and hopes

Today’s post is a rant and follows some bad days I’m currently experiencing. I have some thoughts and feelings that I need to get out of my chest. The change of mood didn’t take me by surprise but at the same time I feel like I made a step backwards. It was so nice to feel motivated and spend some good days with my son and my husband. Worries play in my head all the time, some days I’m doing a good job trying not to let them overtake my daily life, others I feel they are so heavy and I just feel overwhelmed. One of the things that sucks about anxiety is that worries sometimes can really knock your mood down and when they do believe me you are gonna feel the effect of it for a while. Sometimes it can be so mentally and physically exhausting that I need to get some rest to allow myself to function for the rest of the day.

My anxiety got worse during the first lockdown. Ireland is currently experiencing the second one since the pandemic started so you can imagine how much this situation is affecting me again. Around March I was pushed to do something about my mental health. Anxiety was holding me back and it was starting to affect the relationship with my husband and that was the scary part. This whole new situation has taken so many things from me, meeting friends and going for trips with my family are just two of them I miss the most. I was always a person that likes to plan everything to perfection, planning lifts my mood and motivates me. The bitter reality is that everything I already have feels so fragile at times. The worry of what my future holds for me is there every day and sometimes I feel guilty for my son even though he has no idea on what is happening. Anxiety turned me into an overprotective person and when I feel I don’t have the power to change events I panic. This whole situation is frustrating and makes me so angry but at the same time I need to be strong and be there for my family. I have to thank my husband a million times for the patience he shows every time I feel down and hopeless.

This week was hard but I decided to take control of my feelings and use my energy in a positive and productive way. I decided to keep myself busy with a little project to decorate my son’s bedroom which is very relaxing and makes me proud too. I also did some deep cleaning in the house, I don’t know if anyone else can relate to this but I find it very calming.

I disagree with people saying that this is the new normal and we have to accept it because it doesn’t feel normal to me. Taking care of myself, stay positive and hope that soon I will able to live my life again as before is the only thing I can do. At the moment this blog is my little safe place. where I can go every time I feel defeated by outside events.

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